Why You Choose Your Partner- The Unconscious Forces That Influence Attraction

<p>You may find that you often chose partners that are not necessarily the best choice for you. Why is it, for example that children of alcoholics or children of abusive parents often find themselves in similar relationships as adults? The child of an alcoholic find a partner who drinks too much, the child of emotionally unavailable parents choses a partner who is not emotionally present, children of narcissists make sure they find a narcissistic partner. <br/><br/>As children we learn everything there is to learn about relationships from our primary care takers and other influential people. Early experiences of love, no matter how loving the parents, always comes with some aspects of pain or frustration: for example a sense of not being quite good enough, not getting the attention you crave, having to care for a vulnerable or depressed parent or mediating between quarrelling parents.  In adulthood, we are replicating familiar relational patterns with our partners.  We often turn down partners who don&apos;t display those qualities that we associate with love, however dysfunctional they may be. The qualities may be &apos;positive&apos; or &apos;negative&apos;. Above all, they need to be familiar to us and offer us the possibility of a reparative experience.<br/><br/>Our unconscious search for the familiar means that we are often drawn to partners who are <em>similar enough </em>to our primary care takers. Seemingly they offer us the potential of re-creating and healing old childhood dramas. On the other hand, these objects of our desires are also <em>dissimilar enough</em> to offer us the potential for a more healing experience.  <br/><br/>Frequently, a nice&apos; partner who doesn&apos;t offer an adverse experience is often seen as a less valuable partner: only a partner who is won over with hard work and eventually convinced that <em>you</em> are worthy is a worthy partner for you.<br/><br/>Understanding your relational template will help you not only to chose wisely when finding a partner, it will also help yo