My Alligator Was Kidnapped. Now What? | Life Updates

<p><span style="font-weight: 400;">Get your Hipster Witch on at</span> <a href= "http://www.teespring.com/stores/angus-eye-tea"><span style= "font-weight: 400;">www.teespring.com/stores/angus-eye-tea</span></a><span style="font-weight: 400;">!</span></p> <p><span style="font-weight: 400;">Time Stamps:</span></p> <p><span style="font-weight: 400;">00:00 G’day, mate. I have some weird anecdotes to share with you today.</span></p> <p><span style="font-weight: 400;">01:23 HAPPY SNAKE-MATING SEASON!! I’m about to share some recent encounters I had with our tube-sock-reptilian friends.</span></p> <p><span style="font-weight: 400;">06:31 I’m acquaintances with an alligator named Gucci. Gucci was recently part of a crime. Teens were involved. A mystery adult was their ring leader. This is his story. *dun dun*</span></p> <p><span style="font-weight: 400;">07:46 I read the facts of the crime from an official email I received from my apartment complex.</span></p> <p><span style="font-weight: 400;">11:11 Now that Gucci is free, I’m worried that I’m going to step on him in the middle of the night since he now has a vendetta. Fern finds Gucci fascinating and while Fern could totes pull off the adorable three-legged-dog lewk, it’s not a vibe I’m going for.</span></p> <p><span style="font-weight: 400;">13:01 I’ve begun a Casual Human Interaction obstacle course to keep my minor socializing skills intact. It’s awkward.</span></p> <p><span style="font-weight: 400;">15:30 My latest obstacle course is a horribly laid out grocery store that has cheap peanut butter and fancy beer. I never shop there but I needed the peanut butter and fancy beer. An awkward moment with sliced cheese, respecting private aisle moments, and lots of scurrying.</span></p> <p><span style="font-weight: 400;">19:48 Another anxiety of mine is hosting people in my home. Now that I can go to the cheap peanut butter store with the fancy beer, I’m going to start inviting my bitches over.</span></p> <p><span style="font-weight: 400;">22:24 Prime Day. The glorious Am