Kinky Starfish & Other Session Fails

I tip-toe into this subject with humility and good will - I promise! I aim to provide insight and helpful information for those exploring kink and BDSM and in the pursuit of improvement, we&#8217;ve got to talk about what is working and sometimes what isn&#8217;t. So in the pursuit of kinky greatness, I&#8217;m going to make a bold statement: Approximately 30% of the new subbies I see are kinky starfish. While it may sound cute at first, I can assure you, it is not.&#160;<br/><br/>If you haven&#8217;t heard of sexual starfishing before it is a vanilla term for (generally a woman) who lays very still during sex and makes no sounds or facial expressions. The behaviour reminds me of an emotional protection tactic called stonewalling or grey rocking. Stonewalling is a protection mechanism used in toxic relationships where the abused person intentionally shuts down emotionally so as to protect themselves from their abuser.<br/><br/>Have you lost your boner yet? Yeah, me too.<br/><br/>It&#8217;s unsexy as fuck and while I try to accomodate whoever stands before me, there&#8217;s often little I can do with a person who doesn&#8217;t let me in. I&#8217;ve got all the time and patience in the world for a sweet person who is afraid, traumatized, socially anxious or anything else that would explain their behaviour but, sometimes, I just can&#8217;t get that far. In these situations, I&#8217;ve tried it all, believe me. I ask questions, I switch things up, I check in, I state what I&#8217;m observing and I offer options but, I&#8217;m often met with one word answers and a blank stare.<br/><br/>I remember commiserating with my friend, Mistress Damazonia about this. We talked about how often the blank-faced kinksters will follow up with a glowing message afterwards, detailing what a great time they had. It&#8217;s always surprising because they have often shown no emotion throughout their entire, in-person experience. That&#8217;s when Mistress Damazonia said, very dryly, &#8220;Yeah well, tell it to your face.&#8221; My partn