How to Not Lose Yourself in a Relationship - Part 2

<p><i>What we talked about in Part 1: </i></p><p><i>// Attachment theory and mindfulness of emotions and thoughts</i><br /><i>// How patriarchal society predisposes us to certain thoughts + beliefs and filters our relationship experiences</i><br /><i>// How it makes sense that anxiety leads to crazy thoughts and actions</i><br /><i>// Why those actions could end up leading us to lose ourselves in a relationship</i><br /><i>// The FIRST step in healing: offering ourselves self-compassion</i></p><p> </p><p>This week, we’re going to dive deeper into more tools and concepts. The first is <strong>cognitive bias</strong>, which is a function of our brain that searches for evidence of what we <strong>already </strong>believe to be true instead of what is <strong>actually </strong>true.<br /> </p><p>It’s like when you’re in a moment of anxiety and you completely forget those other times where you were anxious, and nothing was wrong. For me, I remember experiencing moments of complete panic in my relationships, and a partner would text me something super sweet like, “Hey, thinking of you and missing you,” and I would just think, yeah right. They’re just saying that to appease me, but they don’t mean it!</p><p> </p><p>Cognitive bias explains why it’s pointless to try to change how other people behave so that we can feel better. Because our brain will still have the same filters and thoughts. It will interpret it in a way that supports what we believe.</p><p> </p><p>The other reason trying to control others is a bad ideas is because they often actually <strong>don’t </strong>do it… and we also feel a bit ashamed about how needy and desperate we’re being. We’re just trying to control them to make ourselves feel better about what’s in our heads.</p><p> </p><p>Instead, imagine feeling <i>Ziji </i>– radiant inner confidence no matter how other people behaved. Feeling secure attachment, <strong>no matter what</strong>.</p><p> </p><p>This doesn’t mean we should say in a relationship with just anyone. What it DOES mean is we can h