ABUSIVE FATHERS: A Relationship Textbook Wrapped In A Psychological Mystery

I am a retired clinical psychologist whose forty-year specialty was treating substance abusers and their families. I worked both in private practice and in school settings. In the schools I frequently counseled both youthful bullies and their victims. The word “bully” fascinated me. It has gone through a mysterious evolution from its beginning in the middle ages. It originally identified someone as a “sweetheart,” but during the seventeenth century its meanings became, first, “fine fellow,” then, “blustering daredevil.” By the end of that century, being called a bully meant you were a “harasser of the weak.” The development of bullies I counseled usually seemed to mirror the devolution of the word. Their path to becoming one went from being a loveable infant, to an unkind child, a belligerent teen, and, ultimately into an adult who preyed upon the vulnerable and the less fortunate.It is a myth that it is the strong who are bullies. Scratch a bully and you will find a victim underneath. The sad truth is bullies cannot handle their own victimization, usually at the hands of a family member with problems of their own. The bullied child compensates for it by attacking those they perceive as weaker than themselves: the kind and the gentle-natured. Those bullied are often children, childlike adults, and those whose cleverness, beauty, or kindness makes the bully jealous. Anything a he says to justify his abuse is a lie. Their nastiness comes from having a damaged psyche, one that failed to develop the empathy necessary to protect one’s self and others from cruelty. We build our character by our choices. With every choice to be unkind, a bully builds his heartlessness. With the choice to be kind, one builds compassion and decency into their personality.With help, a victimized child on the road to becoming a bully can start to make right choices and thereby avoid that fate. The saving grace to being bullied as a child is that being a target and overcoming it makes one stronger in their adult lives. Through their own vict